Holy Fuck, It's been a while...

I haven't posted in this damn thing for months. There are several reasons: 1) I've been busy. 2) I've been lazy. 3) Nobody fucking reads this drivel anyway. 4) Like you, I forgot I even had a blog and there was shit posted there. So, why am I writing in this damnable thing again, you (by that, I mean me...no one fucking reads this) might ask? Well, I'm sure there are reasons other than wanting to wiggle my mental wang to the sound of my own voice, but right now I can't think of any. So that's what this is going to be. Me, verbally blowing myself...and growing bored, then promptly falling asleep mid-hummer with my own cock in my mouth. Aren't you glad you stopped by? I know you are.

Anyfuckinway, yeah...I actually have been very busy working on my act and doing a lot of shows, frequently with people far more accomplished than I. Now I've done shows with Tom McCaffrey, Nikki Glaser, Harry Terjanian, Dante' Nero, Nate Bargatze, Jim Florentine...and I've learned a lot. I've learned a lot about how little the profession actually changes...you just get better, you can reach more people and some of the friends you made when you started will still be there and some of them won't. Three great comics I respected (but never met) greatly, Robert Schimmel, Greg Giraldo and Mike Destefano...have died since I started. I hope I can one day live up to their legacy. I've learned even more about who I am and who I'm not...and I've gotten even darker. My whole act has taken on a much more personal, absolutely black tone. This is not being done for shock value...but it is definitely shocking material that I will make no fucking apologies for. Too rough for you? Fuck off and die. I'm not doing this for you...I want you to laugh, but this is for me because I'm both self-loathing and narcissistic.

I now run a Bi-Weekly show downstairs from the legendary drag bar, Lucky Cheng's, in the Fortune Cookie Lounge with my great friend and co-conspirator Jessica Faller. Funny and smart lady with great taste and an absolute joy to work with. The show is called Invitation to a Beheading and we're putting really incredible lineups together. It's always free, there's never a drink minimum and a good time is always the objective. Come see us next time on Sunday, 6/12 at 8:00pm when we host Jen Perney, Ray Devito, Mark Normand, Jeffrey Joseph an Andrew Schulz! I personally guarantee you'll have a great time if you're open minded and not a complete pussy.

RSVP here: RSVP here!

Check out my newest clip here! ...And subscribe to the damn channel while you're at it. I'll talk to you fuckers again soon.

Lineup for next week's show

Just in case you missed it earlier, I'm doing a free show next Wednesday, 12/1, at McSwiggan's on 23rd st and 2nd Ave in Manhattan at 8pm. I just got the final lineup, and it is damn good:

Nikki Glaser

Team Submarine

Dan Goodman

Alison Fornes

Ian Ghent

Pat O'Shea

...And yours fuckin' truly!


Hosted by Ray Field Featuring Todd Montesi

I also just got added to Jen Perney's Monthly, a kickass $5 show in Queens. I will update this post with the final lineup when I get it. Eat and drink enough to avoid killing your family this Thanksgiving.

Random Drunk and High Thoughts That Become Something More...

I just wrote this, while drunk and high, over the course of several twitter updates...and it makes sense...and has jokes if read correctly. I like it because it very honestly expresses how I feel and I was just purely angry when I wrote it...it is really honest...and it is going to be a bit, eventually...I may have the balls and the lack of common sense to try it tomorrow:

"It took me a while since I've been away, but I sniffed out most of you platitude spewing fucks. . "Life Coach" gurus:seriously: go fuck yourselves. I don't need your fucking patronizing pop-psychology. No one does. What everyone needs is simply LIFE. The freedom to fuck up and the courage to learn from it...or profit from it. Either that,or you join the spineless,miserable fucks in this world who refused to admit who they were and make it work for them. You think you have a "superior" solution to life? You're an asshole. The solution to life is simple: you're going to fucking die! The "solution" is fucking boring.The "problem" is why we keep living.So stop striving for perfection.Perfection is fucking dull. die imperfect,scarred,used-up,exhausted,overdrugged.overfed,oversexed and happy.Life is a solution in search of a problem. Thanks."

Keep in mind, there are definitely quirks to how it is written that make it obvious that this is a series of tweets...but if I can find the right rhythm with even something this simple, the point has been made and people are going to laugh. Maybe. Perhaps I just revealed myself as not only an optimist but also a hopeless romantic. Go fuck yourselves. I'm not crying about it. I'm fucking living...and simply living is the only enjoyable thing we all have that we all fucking hate for no good reason other than that we overstate our own fucking importance. Fuck you all. Live for a change.

L Ron Hubbard can blow me

New clip from the October edition of John Murdock's deliciously insane mock revival, shot on 10/4/10 at Theater Under St Marks by Rob Dub. Enjoy.

More Shows!

It's been a while since I've scribbled 1s and 0s in this thing because I've been busy writing new material/drinking/being a general miserable fuck. First order of business: shameless self promotion. I've got two shows coming up and you're going to want to be at both of them because they are awesome. There is no argument against this.

On Monday, November 15th I will be appearing alongside Subhah Agarwal, Tomas Delgado and 2010 "New York's Funniest" winner Nate Bargatze at the Monday Comedy Riot at Albatross Bar in Astoria. It's only 5 bucks and it's going to be killer. Join host ShauntotheFuture and all of us jackals at 8pm for a great time. RSVP here and I will text you pictures of my cock.


On Wednesday, December 1st I will be part of "Burning Bridges Comedy" at McSwiggans on 23rd St in Manhattan. It's a free show, featuring top tier talent and cheap ass drinks. I'll keep you updated on the full lineup and will list any other spots I get here.

The Future of Comedy is Fucking Depressing

I'm probably in no position to say this, but I'm going to anyway: the future of comedy is fucking depressing.

It seems like we're at a point where contrived pop-culture references and me-too nerd "comedy" have taken the place of having anything interesting, honest, or genuine to say. It appears that we've gotten to the point where we are afraid of being confrontational, so we've retreated into this false domain of geeky, hipster likability that says absolutely nothing. I just watched a clip from a new comic, who, apparently, killed his audience. It bored me to tears. There was nothing to it. The delivery was solid but there were no ideas. There was just this safe, non-committal, nudge-nudge-wink-wink, semi-relevant bullshit that would be acceptable from a mildly amusing party guest...but not a comedian.

I'm sick of it. I really am. Everyone seems to think they can talk about Spiderman or Hulk Hogan or fucking Jhonen Vasquez and somehow this automatically makes them funny. News flash, fuckface: it doesn't. It makes you excruciatingly boring to anyone who doesn't drink PBR ironically. It exposes how amazingly uninspired and unoriginal you are. It makes you look like the dweeby cunt you are and it isn't funny. Half of you fucking dorks make Bill Engvall look like Bill Hicks...and I say that charitably. A majority of what I've seen doesn't even approach a level of basic observational comedy. It's just a collection of tired old tropes passed through a Family Guy filter and seasoned liberally with winking and swagger...and Family Guy fucking sucks.

I would really like to ask some of these kids: have you ever done anything really stupid? Do you have anything that informs your worldview, other than kicking ass at Halo? When was the last time you fucked someone and really got something out of it? Have you ever looked at yourself and then looked at the world and wondered aloud "which of these things am I more scared of?" Have you ever really experienced or felt anything interesting enough to fucking talk about? If not, kindly hang up your mic and shut the fuck up. No one cares but the same group of boring, pretentious twats you did coke with last weekend whom you somehow conned into coming to your show...by promising to buy them blow.

If this is the future of comedy, tragedy just became fucking hilarious.

When Drunk Comedians Attack!

Enjoy the clip, shot by Drew of The Odortones at Penny's Open Mic, Theater UNDER St Mark's, NYC: